Speaking OUT to end clergy sexual misconduct.

Archive for November, 2013

Giving Thanks

The journey of a survivor is hard, but there are blessings along the way. I am grateful…
… for my wonderful, healthy church, where the pastor and congregation helped me feel safe enough to stay when I was terrified to be in church at all. I owe a special debt to the women of Journeying Together, the spiritual support group that helped me rediscover God’s presence in my life.
… for all the friends who supported me at any point on my journey. I remain grateful even to the friends who had to turn away when my journey was more than they could bear. They carried the burden as far as they could, and who can ask for more?
… for the wisdom and support of organizations like The Hope of Survivors, the FaithTrust Institute, and Tamar’s Voice. Without their help, I could not have made the journey from victim to survivor to strong advocate for justice.
… for the authors whose work has helped me understand and heal from my experience,
… for the amazing, courageous survivors I have met along the way,
… and for every person who has visited my blog and followed a piece of my journey. Just by being here, you give me courage and strengthen my voice.

But most of all I am grateful for my family — and most of all, for my husband Michael. He had to watch the train wreck of my former pastor’s abuse, and he had to pull me from the wreckage when neither of us really understood what had happened. We have been learning together ever since. In my work as a survivor/advocate, Michael has become my strongest and most constant supporter.

Here is my Thanksgiving wish to all survivors: a day of rest from fear and self-recrimination. A safe and peaceful connection with people you love. An opportunity to share kindness with someone who needs it. And most important: an opportunity to be kind to yourself — possibly the most important work we can do in our journey toward healing.

What Does Your Church Offer Online?

What resources does your church offer for victims of clergy sexual misconduct? Go ahead… take a moment to look. Type in “sexual misconduct” into your denomination’s website search box and see what comes up.

If you belong to the UMC or the ELCA, you uncovered a wealth of resources. The Methodist website leads to a helpful article, “Sexual Misconduct Within Ministerial Relationships.”  A footnote to that article leads to the superb UM Sexual Ethics page. At the FaithTrust training last week, Marie Fortune had us spend several minutes on this page. It includes resources for victims/ survivors, accused pastors, conference leaders, and congregations. The UMC response (or the response of any church) can still be harmful, even with these resources. But the UM Sexual Ethics page gives victims a way to name their experience and take steps toward justice and healing.

The Lutheran site leads to a library of great resources for congregations, including “Safe Connections: What Parishioners Can Do to Understand and Prevent Clergy Sexual Abuse” and “Healing in Congregations After Clergy Sexual Abuse.”  The ELCA produced these documents in the late 1990s and put them online in 2005. They remain among the finest of all the denominational resources for prevention and response.

The Unitarian Universalist Church offers a comprehensive guide for victims called “Speaking Truth to Power.” Under “Filing a Complaint,” the UUA is brutally frank about the limits of their response. They call it “still extremely dangerous for victims and survivors” with “chances of being severely revictimized” at near 100%. This is true in all churches, but only the UUA has the backbone to name it. If my church had given me such a warning, I would have been better prepared for the long nightmare I experienced.

The PCUSA’s “Creating Safe Ministries”  helps church leaders as they receive and respond to complaints of clergy sexual misconduct. In the “Rebuild Trust” tab, I was especially pleased to find Marie Fortune’s seven elements of justice-making (truth-telling, acknowledging the violation, compassion, protecting the vulnerable, accountability, restitution, and vindication) from her classic work, Is Nothing Sacred? I’m also impressed that the church provides an ombudsman for overseas Presbyterian mission workers.

The United Church of Christ offers “Making Our Churches Safe for All,” a prevention guide for local churches.  The Disciples of Christ post their recent resolutions on this issue. The Southern Baptist Convention has gathered resources from many sources: its own insurance company, the federal government, and the Arizona, Texas, and Alabama state Baptist Conventions. Kudos to the SBC for sharing these resources, especially framework for prevention and response created by the Alabama Baptist Convention.

The only online resource offered by the Episcopal Church is this page, hidden deep within clergy pension resources. All they offer (and only to clergy and administrators) is the chance to buy their “Safeguarding God’s People” training materials. I can attest the training is good; it opened my eyes to the fact of my own abuse and galvanized me to seek justice. But the denomination offers no online resources for victims, or even any clear way to find the training materials. I actually found this link via the ELCA website.

Many faith traditions still consider clergy sexual misconduct as “sexual immorality” or “an affair.” For these, the only resources I could find were those created by survivors. I have gathered all those resources in the Victims & Survivors tab on this blog.

If your church resources fall short, you can still get great information from other denominations. For survivors, I recommend the Methodist and UUA websites; for congregational leaders, the Lutheran materials. For bishops and other judicatory leaders, please read the UUA’s courageous self-disclosure and know: this is how victims experience “justice,” even in your own church.

Dear Church: How Not to Get Sued

I just spent three days at a FaithTrust Institute training, “Responding to Clergy Misconduct.” I learned how the church can respond in a way that promotes justice and healing for all — or not. As a result, I finally understand what my former church did for me and to me. Clarity brings healing in the long term, but in the short term it feels like a ton of bricks. By the end of the second day, I felt as if I’d hauled those bricks a Roman mile. My whole body felt bruised. Is this what injustice feels like?

Here are some of the ways a church can guarantee a lawsuit.
“Assume that your job is to protect your organization from the complainant.”
“Allow your lawyer or insurance company to drive the response process.”
“Don’t follow your policy. Use an informal process.”

The FaithTrust Institute offers a full guide for how to be sued and lose, and an even fuller guide to doing it right. When churches seek the best outcome for survivors, they also create their own best outcome. To avoid a lawsuit, churches should create and follow a fair process, using steps like these:
“Respond promptly to complaints. Meet with the complainant. Thank her/him for coming forward.”
“Assume that the complaint is made in good faith and that the accused is innocent until the complaint is adjudicated.”
“Offer an advocate or support person to both parties.”

I need to give my bishop credit for doing some things right. He phoned me as soon as he received my email. He opened an hour in his calendar the very next day. When we met, he thanked me for my courage. He assured me, “This was not your fault.” He said right up front that he wouldn’t even attempt a face-to-face reconciliation. He didn’t offer me an advocate, but he did appoint a chaplain… and that’s where it began to fall apart. He failed to prepare “Chaplain Melinda” for her role. When I reached out for support, Melinda found herself unwilling to serve. When she defected, I had to carry the burden alone.

The bishop left my offender in place while he asked me to avoid any contact with clergy or church leaders until the investigation was complete. He informed me when he had appointed the investigator (another good move, by the way; “Dr. Jones” was skilled, fair, and compassionate), but otherwise he left me in the dark for two long months. When I met with the bishop again, I learned that rather than following the process described in church canons, he had created an ad hoc “pastoral response” (pastoral to whom?). He refused to share the terms he had imposed on my offender. He refused to inform the congregation.

How would my life be different if the bishop had taken steps like these?
“Offer an advocate to the complainant.”
“Explain the process and give the complainant and accused a copy of your policy and procedures.”
“Communicate with all parties involved about the process, findings, and decision.”

Instead of two months of terrified isolation, I might have had support from my church community. I might not have taken the terrible plunge into anorexia. I might still have stayed with that faith tradition; I might today be supporting the bishop’s work with my skills, efforts, and dollars.

I didn’t end up suing my church, but I did hire an attorney to get the resources I needed. I was simply too impaired to represent myself, or even to know what I needed. To minimize the chance of further trauma, I kept my request simple. I asked for only enough to cover my out-of-pocket medical and therapy costs, along with a few non-monetary actions. Even so, my church paid dearly for their agenda of self-protection.

I never got the justice I really needed. Since the church never disclosed the result of the investigation, my offender was free to defame me with impunity. But a year after the contract was signed, I found myself in a small room with the bishop and his second-in-command, a dozen priests (most of whom knew me well), and Marie Fortune of the FaithTrust Institute. At the bishop’s invitation, Marie had flown to my city to teach the church what clergy sexual misconduct is, and how to respond for good or ill. In that room, for the first time ever, I stood openly and publicly as a survivor. While my bishop stared down at the table, I asked Marie whether it was ever okay for the church to conceal a confirmed instance of clergy misconduct. She looked at the bishop, took a deep breath, and said, “No. It should always be disclosed.” I watched as the bishop pretended he hadn’t heard her. I watched as he stood up and countered the very words he claimed not to have heard. But I know that the bishop heard this truth, and he knows I know he heard, and the truth is forever established.

One way a church can buy trouble: impose a gag order on the complainant. My contract held all parties to a standard non-disparagement clause. That was fine with me; I knew I could tell my story without disparaging anyone. I willingly concede my offender’s good qualities (strong preaching, personal charisma, low golf score) even as I tell the truth of how he abused his power to harm me. But the bishop seems to have understood “non-disparagement” to mean “silence.” When I learned that my offender had been called to lead a prestigious parish in another city, I notified his new bishop of the recent offense on his record. Afterward, my bishop’s attorney sent me a note of warning. I pointed out that I was only disclosing the facts that my bishop had already promised to disclose.

Worst of all: the bishop asked me to sign a settlement that let my offender completely off the hook. I signed the contract, the bishop signed it, the senior lay leader signed it, our attorneys signed it — but my offender didn’t. His name didn’t even appear in the contract. Where is the justice in that?

I’m not complaining, though. Leaving the church of my childhood faith was hard, but now I have the privilege of seeing how the Holy Spirit moves in a very different kind of church. I’ve found immense healing in my new church home in the UCC. And now, thanks to what I have learned from the FaithTrust Institute, I’m equipped to make my church a safer place for all.

The FaithTrust Institute offers “Responding to Clergy Misconduct” training twice a year. Their invaluable “Responding to Clergy Misconduct” handbook is available year-round. Dear readers, won’t you share this news with your faith leaders? Churches often fear that if they give an inch to victims, they’ll lose everything. But in fact, when church leaders seek to meet the real needs of victims, they win too. When churches see victims and survivors not as a threat but as an important voice of truth, everyone wins. A justice-seeking agenda is the rising tide that lifts all boats.

Restoring The Lost Years

Tomorrow I’ll begin sharing insights from the FaithTrust Institute’s superb training, “Responding to Clergy Misconduct.” But today, I am just celebrating a miracle.

Survivors rarely emerge whole. Among our deepest wounds: shattered relationships. Most of us lose our church communities; many of us lose beloved friends even outside the church. In my traumatized state four years ago, I let a small conflict with a longtime friend become a total breach. Trying to share wisdom for my terrible situation, Janet chose words that caused me pain. If I had been healthy, we would have talked things out. But by that point I had stopped trusting anyone, even myself. I couldn’t take the chance that Janet would hurt me again, so I let her slip away. Perhaps I even pushed her away. Still, for all these years I haven’t been able to drive past the place where I had last heard her voice without feeling a pang of grief.

A few days ago, Janet had the grace and courage to write and ask for my forgiveness. We met this morning at our old favorite coffee place. We talked about what happened, and we shared the ways we have both grown since then. But mostly, we just enjoyed the sunshine of our mutual affection.

Janet and me

The prophet Joel might say that we lost four years to the swarming locust. Now, in one sweet hour on the San Diego boardwalk, God has restored all the years we lost.

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: