Speaking OUT to end clergy sexual misconduct.

Posts tagged ‘Forgiveness’

Can Offenders Return to Ministry?

Can offending pastors ever return to ordained ministry?

One of my readers wrote to me about his former pastor. After church leaders learned that he had sexually abused a female congregant, they immediately removed him from ministry. Apparently, the offender had been suffering from an untreated childhood trauma. In his letter of apology to the congregation, he assured them he was seeking appropriate treatment.

“Some of us are hoping the offender will return to ministry,” wrote my reader. “He has very good gifts for it. Apparently his therapists have all said he is a candidate for return to ministry, but he himself has refused. As a survivor yourself, I was wondering if you have an opinion on this matter.”

Wow. In fact, I do have an opinion on this matter, and a very strong one at that. But as I told this reader, “I don’t have the expertise to answer your question, and I don’t trust myself to be objective. I know the potential for harm too well.”

I don’t trust myself to answer the question objectively, but it’s too important to ignore. The stakes are too high. So I’ll ask it here. If an ordained minister takes sexual advantage of a congregant, can he or she ever be restored to ministry? 

The question must be a thorny one, because so few people have attempted to tackle it. Looking through nearly a hundred online search results, I only found two articles.

In “Restoring the Fallen (Ministry Today, October 26, 2011), Douglas Weiss says, “Sometimes.” But first, offenders must meet all of these criteria:
1. Voluntarily disclose their offenses to the church.
2. Focus not on their gifts or importance, but on their brokenness and the harm they have done to the victim.
3. Take full responsibility, blaming nothing or no one but themselves.
4. Accept all consequences. Willingly submit to direction from a board, bishop, or human resources department.
5. Embrace accountability. Seek out a group of peers who will help them stay on the right course.
6. Submit to competent, professional counseling. It may reveal that their choices were influenced by an addiction, depression, or psychological disorder, but they still take full responsibility for those choices.
7. If they are married, voluntarily work to improve their marriages.

In “Should Fallen Pastors Be Restored?” (adapted from The Master’s Plan for the Church, 1991), John MacArthur says, “Never.” MacArthur says that some offenses are so serious that they make it impossible for the offender ever again to lead by example. Trust forfeited can be impossible to regain. The church should indeed seek forgiveness and restoration — but only restoration to fellowship, not to ministry.

Readers, what do you think? Can an offender ever be restored to ministry?

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Please note: both articles use language that can be damaging to victims. Both articles refer to clergy sexual misconduct as “sexual immorality,” “adultery,” or “affairs.” I once sat with a survivor in front of a judge who told her sternly, “You were a consenting adult.” No, she wasn’t! As survivors of CSM, none of us are “consenting adults.” We were outranked by title (e.g. Rev. vs plain old Ms. or Mr.), position in the community (who is the congregation more likely to believe?), gender (most offenders are male; most victims female), age (most offenders are older than their victims), and sometimes by disability, poverty, immigration status, or a history of traumatic experiences. Our powerlessness makes it hard for us to say “No,” especially when our offenders start with “innocent” requests. And if we can’t say “no,” there’s no way we can ever give a meaningful “yes.”

Forgive My Abuser? It’s Biblically Impossible.

After years of fruitless attempts to forgive my former pastor, I’ve finally figured out why I can’t do it. According to the Bible, it is impossible.

“What?” you ask. “Didn’t Jesus tell us to forgive seventy times seven? Doesn’t the Lord’s Prayer ask us to forgive? And doesn’t that prayer imply that if we don’t, God won’t forgive us?”

Yes, all that is true. But I finally understand what forgiveness meant in Jesus’ day. In Structures of Forgiveness in the New Testament, Frederick Keene explains it all. According to Keene, the New Testament authors used three Greek words to mean “forgive.” Here are what those words meant to them:
1. Aphiemi: To leave behind (“They left their nets and followed him,” Mark 1:18 and Matthew 4:20); to cancel a debt (“The master of that slave released him and forgave him the debt,” Matthew 18:32); to release from bondage (“He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives,” Luke 4:18); or to pardon sins (“Her sins, which were many, have been forgiven,” Luke 7:47).
2. Charizomai: To be generous. Paul uses this word to convey God’s boundless generosity (“He who did not withhold his own Son, but gave him up for all of us,” Romans 8:32). Luke uses it in the sense of forgiving debts (“He canceled the debts for both of them,” Luke 7:42).
3. Apoluo: To dismiss or divorce; to release a spouse from the obligations of marriage. This word appears only twice in the New Testament, both times in Luke 6:37c.

Please notice! The NT authors never used “forgiveness” to mean “swallowing your anger” or “pretending it didn’t happen.” Forgiveness was not an emotion but a transaction. Masters could cancel their servants’ debts. Jailers could release their prisoners. Husbands could free their unhappy wives to go back home. Jesus could pardon a woman’s sins. In other words, forgiveness meant letting someone off the hook.

So, whom can we let off the hook? Only our equals or those over whom we have power: an employee who needs the day off, a friend who owes us money, a spouse asking for a divorce. Who can let us off the hook? Only our equals or superiors: a boss when we need the day off, a friend to whom we owe money, a spouse who agrees to a divorce. We cannot forgive someone who has power over us. Looking up the chain of command, forgiveness simply has no meaning. We cannot let a more powerful person off the hook because we never had them on the hook to begin with. Dying on the cross, even Jesus had no power to forgive his executioners. “Father, forgive them,” he said to the One who did.

In a clergy/congregant relationship, the pastor always holds the power, with one small exception. Between the first chargeable instance of clergy sexual abuse and the victim’s promise of silence, the victim has the power of disclosure. When my pastor made his sexual interest clear, I had to decide what to do about it. For nine excruciating days, he knew I had the power to turn him in. In his terror, he promised to repent and I promised not to tell. I didn’t undergo an emotional change (as in “what you did was OK”); I simply agreed to a transaction. In exchange for his “repentance,” I would protect him from the church’s justice. But eventually I saw that there were other parties to this transaction. Other women were at risk, most of them even more vulnerable than I was. I knew that I owed more to my sisters than I did to my boundary-crossing pastor. Once I recognized my debt, I had no choice but to break my promise. When I did, I rendered my “forgiveness” null and void.

And yet I have still felt the pressure to forgive. Why? While Jewish theology puts the burden of forgiveness on the offender (from the Talmud: “A transgression a man has been guilty of toward his neighbor, Yom Kipur cannot atone for, until he has appeased his neighbor”), Christians still broadly misunderstand forgiveness as a “make everything OK” panacea. To understand why, let’s look at who is involved when one person offends against another. The victim and perpetrator, obviously — but also, an invisible third party. Clergy sexual abuse (like child abuse, elder abuse, spousal/partner abuse, and virtually every kind of abuse) occurs within community. The community itself is the third party to abuse. Whether congregants witness clergy sexual abuse or not, they are de facto bystanders.

In Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman describes the bystander’s dilemma. When one person causes trauma in the life of another, Herman writes, “all the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing… The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.” Hmmm. If you were a bystander, which would you choose? To make it worse, bystanders don’t have access to the facts, only to the perpetrator’s version of the facts. Victims are almost always silenced, discredited, or exiled, often all three. As a result, most bystanders shun the victim, attack her, or assign her the burden to forgive. This only adds to her trauma.

And who reaps the benefit when the victim “forgives”? The perpetrator escapes justice, the bystanders go back to their lives — and the victim is left holding the bag. It can be a heavy bag indeed. The burden is made heavier by the oft-repeated suggestion that “forgiveness” will bring about “healing.” Marie Fortune calls this a cruel hoax for victims, and I agree. When I too quickly “forgave” my pastor, I opened myself to two more years of his harmful behavior. When I said “enough!” and demanded justice, my healing finally began.

I cannot forgive my pastor, but that doesn’t mean I am trapped in a prison of my own making as some would suggest. Far from it! I liberated myself when I walked out of the prison of his lies. I liberate myself today by telling my story in a way that I hope will awaken the church. Because I chose justice, I can choose to confront him in person or to estrange him completely. I can choose to build a life of advocacy around my experience or to walk completely away from the issue. I can choose to tell my story or withhold my story, and I have full freedom to make that choice anew with every circumstance. All these choices are mine, but only because I chose justice. It’s up to him to forgive me for that, or not — it makes no difference to me.

Because I AM FREE.

You can read my reflection “Forgiving Like Nelson Madela” here.

Forgiveness: the Real F-Word

My friend “Deborah” was raised by mixed-faith parents: Jewish father, Christian mother. As an agnostic adult, Deborah remained fascinated by her parents’ faith traditions. She occasionally attended my former church, and she had great admiration for my pastor. She met with him at least once in his office. When I reported my pastor, Deborah was shaken. She asked me, “But aren’t Christians supposed to forgive?” I don’t remember how I responded in that traumatized state, but apparently it was enough to end the friendship.

I did try to forgive my pastor, many times. His abuse consisted of a long period of grooming and two serious betrayals of trust. A mere two weeks after the first event, he “repented” and I “forgave” him. I struggled for more than a year to forgive the second event, and ultimately I could not. I now realize I never really forgave at all. I whitewashed the offense because I so desperately needed to think well of him, and to be at peace with him.

What is forgiveness, anyway? I have really struggled with this issue. Christianity promotes radical forgiveness. In the gospel of Matthew, Jesus tells Peter to forgive a sinning brother “not seven times, but seventy times seven.” Christian culture pushes forgiveness so hard that even my agnostic-Jewish-Christian friend pressed me to forgive. But who benefits when a victim forgives her abuser? Does forgiveness free the abuser from sin? Does forgiveness free the victim from pain? Or does forgiveness free the community from the hard work of justice and healing? I suspect it is mostly the latter. That’s why in the context of clergy sexual abuse, I consider “forgiveness” the real F-word.

Even so, I continue to struggle to forgive my offending pastor. Marie Fortune and Joretta Marshall’s “Forgiveness and Abuse: Jewish and Christian Reflections” (Routledge, 2004) has been helpful in this effort. Whenever I feel shame about my Christian unforgiveness, I take courage from the fact that the Jewish tradition (the root of Christianity, after all) demands that the offender first make full reparation. What’s more, the Jewish tradition recognizes that for some sins, reparation is impossible. My former pastor can never restore my reputation from the false words he spoke about me afterward.

And yet, I continue to try to forgive. I continue to try to understand forgiveness. That’s why I was glad to learn of the FaithTrust Institute’s free webinar next Tuesday. The Rev. Dr. Marie Fortune will lead a discussion titled “Violence and Trauma: What Does Forgiveness Really Mean?” I’ve joined several FTI webinars, and I highly recommend them. It’s easy to sign up. The technology is simple even for digital immigrants like me. Best of all, it’s completely anonymous. I’ll be there, and I’ll share the insights here. I hope you’ll consider joining this important event.

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