Speaking OUT to end clergy sexual misconduct.

Posts tagged ‘clergy sexual misconduct’

Confidentiality vs Secrecy

In the task force, we were talking about the difference between confidentiality and secrecy. Here’s how I understand it:

Confidentiality protects the complainant. It gives her* the power to decide when, where, and to whom her story is told.
Secrecy protects the institution. It gives the church the power to silence the complainant, or to discredit her if she insists on speaking.

How can a church protect the complainant without keeping secrets from the congregation? With transparency. Share the basic facts (we received a complaint, we’re investigating, we’ve put the pastor on leave, here’s what we learned, here’s what we’re doing about it) as soon as they are known. Don’t share the complainant’s identity or the details of her complaint. Do respect her right to share those things herself.

* or him. Men and boys can be victims too.

 

 

Episcopal Litany for Ash Wednesday

A few weeks ago I reported good news from the Episcopal Church: a call from top leaders for the church to repent for having mishandled complaints of clergy sexual abuse and misconduct. The letter from the Presiding Bishop and the President of the House of Deputies called for an Ash Wednesday Day of Prayer, but did not offer any specific prayers. 

I have more good news. A newly formed task force in the Episcopal Diocese of San Diego, the Task Force for the Compassionate Care of Victims of Clergy Sexual Misconduct*, has provided those prayers. The Rev. Gay Clark Jennings, co-author of the forementioned letter, has published San Diego’s revised Ash Wednesday Litany of Penitence to the whole church. Here’s the announcement  and here’s the litany

Episcopalian readers, please consider encouraging your parish priest to use this litany on Ash Wednesday.

* Full disclosure: I serve on this task force, which is good news in and of itself. I no longer belong to any Episcopal congregation, yet the diocese invited me to serve. When I started this blog in 2013, I named it “Survivors Awaken the Church” more out of hope than experience — but it seems that if we are patient and persistent, we really can open eyes. Have hope, fellow survivors!

Episcopal Church Called to Repent

For my Episcopalian readers: Presiding Bishop Michael Curry and the Rev. Gay Clark Jennings, president of the House of Deputies, are calling on the church to repent for the way it has handled (or mishandled) cases of sexual harassment, exploitation, and abuse. In a letter to the church last week, the two leaders write, “we must create contexts in which women can speak of their unspoken trauma, whether suffered within the church or elsewhere. And we must do more.” They lay out several goals, beginning with an Ash Wednesday Day of Prayer, “devoted to meditating on the ways in which we in the church have failed to stand with women and other victims of abuse and harassment and to consider… how we can redouble our work to be communities of safety.”

I am delighted to read these words of commitment, but I’ll be watching for the church to walk the talk. I’ll be looking at my hometown diocese in particular. The diocese of San Diego has taken a few steps forward on this issue recently; I’ll share those in a future post. I’m encouraged, but again — I’ll be watching to see if they walk the talk. I’ve barely set foot in the Episcopal church in eight years, but what I’m seeing now intrigues me. If I muster the courage to attend an Ash Wednesday service, will I hear this new tone of sorrow for harm done to people like me? Stay tuned.

How Do You Reconcile Two Opposite Feelings?

Moments after revealing that NBC had fired Matt Lauer for “inappropriate sexual behavior,” Savannah Guthrie asked her “Today” co-host Hoda Kobt, “How do you reconcile your love for someone with the revelation that they have behaved badly?” 

Guthrie didn’t have an answer. I don’t either, but I can tell you stories of how my former churchmates tried to reconcile those opposing ideas. Most of those stories ended with “she made it up,” “he couldn’t have done those awful things,” “she’s not right in the head,” or all three. We all have stories like that. So yesterday, when I learned that a woman I used to trust had helped spread the rumors against me, I chalked it up to “same ol’ same ol’.” 

But yesterday I added a new kind of story. Walking to a meeting in a different part of town, I unexpectedly ran into a former churchmate. I had enjoyed working with this man on several projects, and I still hold him in high regard. I greeted him; we spoke briefly. My meeting had already begun, so I couldn’t linger in conversation. I knew I had caught him off guard, so I sent him an email this morning. I said I was glad to have seen him; I offered congratulations on happy events in his life. 

Keep in mind that this man had been close to my offender. He could have dismissed me with a cursory “great to see you too,” or he could have ignored my email altogether. 

But that’s not what he did.

Instead, he thanked me for the work I am doing on this issue. He wrote, “You are helping to make the world a bit more just and a bit more safe for our girls and millions of others. And I can only imagine the price you have paid and the pain you have endured along the way.” He closed his email with a picture of his children and these words: “On their behalf, thank you.”

How do you reconcile your love for someone with the revelation that they’ve behaved badly? It seems to me that this man has found the finest path. He didn’t try to choose between me and my offender. He didn’t trash one of us to show loyalty to the other. I have no idea how he would be with my offender, but in my presence, he showed respect and compassion. He spoke of justice and a safer church. I can think of no finer reconciliation.

Never sign an NDA

Harvey Weinstein is in the news, as are dozens of his victims. Today, the Washington Post shines a light on one of Weinstein’s self-protective tactics: the NDA, or Non-Disclosure Agreement.  This week, actress Zelda Perkins broke hers. “I wanted to publicly break my non-disclosure agreement,” she said. “Unless somebody does this, there won’t be a debate about how egregious these agreements are and the amount of duress that victims are put under.”

Thank you, Zelda Perkins! Non-Disclosure Agreements reveal the institution’s true goals: not to heal the victim, but to protect the offender. I’ve always known this truth. I knew I couldn’t heal without telling my story. When I settled with the Episcopal diocese, I agreed not to disparage my offender, and to keep the terms of the settlement confidential — but I steadfastly maintained the right to talk about my experience. 

It seems NDAs are so ubiquitious, in the church just as in Hollywood, that everyone assumed I must have signed one. When I started talking openly about why I’d left St Paul’s, my new pastor asked me, “Are you allowed to say these things?” Even worse: the bishop who co-created and signed my settlement apparently assumed it contained an NDA. When he learned about my blog, he had his attorney send a threatening letter to my attorney (I wrote about it here)  If I didn’t “bring this whole episode to a close,” the letter warned, the bishop would make a public statement denying my experience.

I stood my ground then, and I stand it now. It’s my story, and I have a right to tell it. In fact, survivors need to tell our stories  to seek justice, protect others, and heal our souls. When we were negotiating my settlement, I told my attorney that I would never agree to keep silent about my experience. I had no problem agreeing to keep the terms of the settlement confidential, and to refrain from disparaging (legally, “making a false and injurious statement about”) my offender, but I insisted on my right to tell my story. I have kept my word; I’ve spoken and written nothing but the truth, and I even protected Scott’s identity on this blog until after my bishop had told St Paul’s the truth about him. 

Don’t allow the church to silence you. Don’t sign an NDA. Hold fast to your right to tell your own story. 

Books for the Journey

Dear readers,

Four years ago I posted a list of books I’d found helpful in the journey of healing. I still have most of those titles, but I’m ready to let them go. If you are still struggling to understand what happened to you, or struggling with any aspect of healing, take a look at my reading list. Send me an email with your address and the title of the book you’d like to have (you may want to add a second choice just in case), and I’ll put it in the mail as a gift for your healing journey. 

In solidarity,

Catherine

Pastor or Predator? Sexual Misconduct in Youth Ministry.

Kudos to Princeton Theological Seminary! Their Institute for Youth Ministry recently invited six leaders to submit responses to the topic on clergy sexual abuse in youth ministry. The series, “Pastor or Predator? Sexual Misconduct in Youth Ministry.,” was published this week. 

Here are the highlights. To read the whole essay, just click on the author’s name.

Linda Crockett says that the church often shortcuts justice by urging survivors to forgive too soon. As a result,  “victims carry the burden of shame that rightfully belongs to the offender.” Crockett urges the church to help young people recognize the red flags of sexual abuse. Although youth programs often each about the dangers of substance abuse, “we shy away from frank discussion about sexual offenders and how they operate. … We don’t tell them most offenders are not strangers, but people in our families, churches, neighborhoods, schools, and sports clubs.” 

Sharon Ellis Davis shares for the first time that “my Black Church experience also includes my being the victim of childhood sexual abuse by ‘men of God.’” She says, “It was the secret I was determined to hold onto no matter how much this abuse had negatively impacted my life choices… I could not, and I would not go against the ‘men of God.’ “ Ellis Davis only began to heal when she found a wise, compassionate listener who was willing to be a holder of her long-kept secret. As she healed, she was able to become a holder for others’ secrets as well. She reminds youth leaders that “many times we are… called to be holders” even if we “may not have adequately dealt with [our] own childhood victimization and are now forced to remember while providing care for others.

Hillary Scarsella writes, “Sexual abuse and assault are silencing.” She explains: the offender and the religious institution work hard to silence survivors, but survivors also silence themselves because of the stigma surrounding the experience of sexual assault. “We need to make it our regular practice to talk about sexual violence accurately, sensitively, and often,” she says, “because talking about abuse and assault has a significant degree of power to prevent and stop both.” The kind of speech we need, says Scarsella, “is the kind that believes and respects victims and survivors, the kind that empowers youth to love and protect their bodies.”

Justin Holcomb offers biblical encouragement to survivors dealing with the stages of aftermath of sexual abuse. He assures survivors that “what happened to them is not their fault. They are not to blame. They did not deserve it. They are not responsible for what happened to them. Nobody had the right to violate them… They were sinned against.” To survivors who despair of ever healing, Holcomb reminds them, “God promises a hope and a future.”

When Wes Ellis was in the 7th grade, his “funny, likeable” youth pastor inspired him to go into youth ministry. In college, Ellis was devastated to learn that this minister had sexually assaulted several young woman who had been Ellis’ friends in youth group. Ellis offers a clear, challenging theological response to clergy sexual abuse. “For me to come to terms with my own story,” he writes, “is to accept that the person who was eventually imprisoned for sexual misconduct… was the same person who mentored me, cared for me, and helped me to find my calling. He was not a monster, but a human being like me. … In recognizing his actions as sin… I am forced to face the sin of which I myself am capable.” At the same time, Ellis urges readers to “not treat this as an abstract philsophical problem or a problem of mere policy, but as a real human experience.”

I am honored to be the sixth voice in this series. I share the case study of a young woman who became suicidal when the church tried to silence her complaint against a youth minister, and I offer a series of steps the church must take to protect the young people in its care, including age-appropriate boundary training for youth and regular, vigorous discussions of this topic by the adults in the congregation.  

As I researched my piece, I discovered two great resources. 

1. Author and clergy spouse Sabrena Klausman has a wonderful piece entitled “Dangerous Volunteers: Understanding Signs of Sexual Abuse in Youth Ministry.”  She says the church MUST do a better job screening, monitoring, and training the clergy, staff, and volunteers who work with youth.

2. Tim Challies spells out “6 Reasons Why Sexual Predators Target Churches.”  It’s not a hopeful essay. Challies points out the deeply rooted structural issues that put children and teens at risk in just about any church. But it’s required reading for anyone who wants to solve the problem.

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